


Asgardian Roadtrip

by thawinoakenshield



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bruce Banner & Thor Friendship, Comedy, Gen, Marvel comedy, also credit to my gf she's hilarious, avengers comedy, avengers crack, ft additional avengers, heimdall is a boss, it's crack okay, mature for dirty jokes not smut, my instructions were to make it gayer, writer knows nothing about American geography
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-23 14:36:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15608427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thawinoakenshield/pseuds/thawinoakenshield
Summary: Thor, his siblings, Valkyrie, and Sif go on a ridiculous road trip through the 'States.





	Asgardian Roadtrip

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! If you want Thor's playlist, you can find it here -> https://open.spotify.com/user/looniloopi/playlist/6wbuZ9GRaRfh8ggKU91Nxf 
> 
> As you will soon see, I take characterisation 100% seriously and this is exactly what would happen in the MCU if these dorks all got in a car(s) together. Obviously. Brunnhilde never told them her name, idk, they all call her Valkyrie. Ignore Civil War, ignore time (time probably goes differently on Asgard anyway), ignore all the pain Thor was caused (Asgard still exists, Thor has his eyes), ignore reason and rhyme and ignore any hate (or at least, that's what I'll be doing!). 
> 
> Enjoy! <3

It all starts with a relatively tiny car on Earth (relative to a bilgesnipe, relative to golden spires, towering into the sky). Those intending to use it barely fit inside, though not for lack of trying. It is a Vw Beetle With V8 Engine. 

 

Lady Sif, shieldmaiden of Asgard, is there to protect her king. Hers is the only valid reason for being there. The rest, well, are taking something akin to a long-overdue Gap Year. Something of a pilgrimage but without the religious connotations. Or at least, as much as they can be without religious connotations given some of them are worshipped as gods and goddesses, respectively. It is a complicated matter and, occasionally, Thor will shuffle awkwardly when addressed as a god. But it is better than 'Lord'. So there's that.

 

One of the problems regarding space comes in the forms of helmets. Hela's and Loki's, to be precise, as someone (Tony) once made an unsavoury comment about Thor's and he has never taken it back to Earth since. The horns keep getting stuck on the ceiling of the car. Or on the edge of the door when embarking and disembarking. Or each other's faces when both sit in the back. Valkyrie, the true goddess amongst them, offers to cut off these offending horns. Her gentle, honourable suggesting is met with nothing but resounding cries of NO!

 

Later, Hela stabs a hole in the roof for the horns. It is something like a sunroof only more jagged and less glass. It lets in a breeze which Sif thinks looks beautiful rippling through Valkyrie's long, flowing locks. The beauty in question, irked by the sudden change to the small vehicle, asks a question of the emo twins in the back. "Can't you take them off?"

 

"That would ruin the aesthetic," says Hela, much to Loki's agreement. He, too, insists upon continuing to wear his helmet. He seems to think it brings him glory. Valkyrie keeps on driving. She is poetry in motion, eyes flicking from the road to her companions and then back to the road as it stretches out in front of them: a smooth, straight (unlike her) path that leads to worlds unknown. 

 

Occasionally, Sif takes over for the driving when Valkyrie ("may I call you Val?" "if you like.") grows too inebriated to carry them further. It is an amicable agreement. Driving the earth wagon with the four wheels aids Sif in remaining calm, despite what conversations may happen in the background.

 

The situation was not agreed upon immediately. Thor, the dauntless, golden-haired and tender-hearted, drove the first car. Those that lived (and that is all of them, they are Asgardians after all) do not talk about what happened to the first car. Thor never drives again. Despite how much he tries to. All four of the others have to come together, setting aside their differences and cooperating as a team with the goal of mutual survival, to stop this from happening ever again.

 

Loki, ever the jester, comments upon how the good fellowship is doing more benevolent work for the world than the so-called Avengers, wherever they are, ever did and demands a well-deserved award for such deeds. In his mind, he is perfectly reasonable in this request. Then again, in Loki's mind he is also perfectly rational and the smartest in the group. Loki is an unreliable narrator and - as a side note - nowhere near as pretty as Valkyrie, Sif or Hela.

 

Somewhere, on a cellular device that Thor had long-since left behind, a voice echoes into an unknown empty room. There is something neo-Gothic about the imagery. Lightning flashes in the distance. The door to the room creaks as the window has been left open, faded curtains dancing in the gentle breeze. The voice is a recorded message, interrupted intermittently with sharp, shrill beeps. The voice is of the great war general Nicholas Joseph Fury. The messages escalate with every passing beep. It begins with variations of "please leave" and ends with "get off my *BLEEP* planet!"

 

Further down the journey, one plucky member of the group - by means unknown - ends up riding on the roof of the car. For stability, they hold onto the horns of Loki and Hela, easily accessible through the holes Hela so helpfully created earlier. Of course the brave one risking being flung off the speeding vehicle is the one and only Thor Odinson, a huge grin across his features as the wind whistles through his golden locks. Somewhere, in the back of her aged mind, Sif is irked that she did not get to venture there there first. To ensure that it is safe for her king, of course. 

 

Valkyrie, the thrill-seeker, rides the car as well. Only, instead of the playful glee of Thor, with her grace and almost magical sense of skill, she takes upon the form of a surfer, arms outstretched and lids flickering shut as she allows her other senses to take over. For want of a better word, she looks cool. Thor, in awe as he is, can only dream of such coolness.

 

It is no secret that all inside the vehicle are in love with the masterful work of art that dwells with them on this journey. She is the bodily personification of 'she is beauty, she is grace'. She is a blessing to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. She is Valkyrie.

 

All on the trip continue to state this fact as, to them, it is simply an obvious fact of life. 

 

Another continual variable is Odin. Infrequently - but frequent enough as to be irritating - he appears in the dreams of Thor, Loki and even Hela as something of a recurring antagonist. His restless spirit demands that at least one of his children take up the throne and ensure Asgard's continual survival. He did not slaughter in a method reminiscent of colonialism just for his offspring to develop moral consciences in their time away from him and therefore choose to take time for themselves instead of devoting their every waking breath to continuing his blood-stained legacy.

 

In case that was too dark, it must be noted that Heimdall is on holiday. For the sake of an artistic flourish of omniscience that only he, Heimdall the all-powerful and true hero of the franchise, could truly claim, it is worth understanding that the great being is currently sipping elaborate cocktails on a beach. This man, this wonderful seer, may also have bequeathed Thor with a list of earthly destinations. Any ravens, visions and non-essential messengers from Asgard are ignored in favour of the beautiful women and scantily-clad men who surround him and worship him as he deserves.

 

But, it being Heimdall, it was necessary that he commit at least one form of treason. Otherwise it would not be a Thor-based story. On this one occasion, aware of the (solvable) chaos that it might cause, Heimdall made a decision. A decision that Hela considered reckless, Loki considered worthy of banishment that time (but left this thought unvoiced) and Thor, naturally, heartily approved of.

 

Heimdall permitted Thor, son of Odin, to drive the second car.

 

Soon after this, car the second became inflamed. None of our heroes is quite sure how this came to pass. As Thor's driving comes to a sudden halt, Hela, queen of the dead, yells that Heimdall's act was one of treason as the party is thrown through the windscreen and out onto the ground. Injuries are minor and mostly non-existent. Any that did happen to exist quickly disappear as, once again, they are Asgardians. From his spot on the ground, as he cracks his bones back into place, Loki insists that the fire was not of his doing. If an onlooker happened to ask all of his fellow passengers in-turn, they would all, in turn, confess that they believed it was him.

 

Heimdall, on his holiday and not immune to the jovial and comedic nature of practical jokes, occasionally summons the Bifrost and sends the group backwards on their journey. It amuses him greatly.

 

Another amusing point is, after an attempted fix, when Loki is placed in the backseat with his beloved siblings, Thor and Hela. Naturally, the youngest brother and completely crushed in the middle. Either by their persons or their personalities, he cannot be sure. Loki, being Loki, voices this concern with a suitably self-loathing tone. Valkyrie throws an empty beer can at his helmet. Which both Loki and Hela still refuse to take off. Aesthetics are important for some, if not for others, mutters Hela with a look in Sif's direction. This is a pointed jab and Sif's cheeks redden where she sits in the driver's seat. But Valkyrie gives her shoulder a gentle squeeze and that, even if it does make her blush deepen in colour, makes it all worthwhile.

 

Magic and knives are used in the colossal arguments over the music played through the tinny, CD-wielding speakers. Loki's heart deeply desires emo teen music, with a burning passion for the classic Bring Me To Live. Valkyrie allows it, but only if he provides them with additional vocal entertainment. Meaning that the Prince of Asgard and trickster god found himself entertaining his companions (with varying levels of success) with his own rendition of the chorus of WAKE ME UP INSIDE.

Hela, ever a compatriot of those who feel alone, feels a kinship with the great beasts of the sea. As such, she requests the song of whales. No one understands why. No one asks. But Thor is sure that he can see his sister utilising their gift of All-Speak to mouth along to the sounds. It makes him smile to see her happy - or as close to happiness that his sister, troubled as she is, can be.

 

Darcy, fiend and attempted trickster, gave Thor a CD of questionable music that Thor values highly because Thor has a compassionate soul. As he is also prone to minor practical jokes, whenever the engine starts up again, those inside (and around) the vehicle are treated to the musical masterpiece that is The Duck Song. Supposedly Darcy uses her taser on each and every one of them at some point during the journey. Except for Valkyrie as she is no exception to the rule of every living consciousness across the Nine Realms being vaguely in love with Valkyrie.

 

Fortunately, Darcy is not a recurring character in this tale. Darcy, unlucky as she is to have gained the writer's disfavour, is hit by the car. Loki chuckles about this new earthly concept of karma that he, ironically, quite likes. Much to Thor's sorrow, the group vow not to adopt any more Midgardians for the remainder of the trip. 

 

(This does not include the women that Valkyrie acquires when they stop in various towns and bars. The majority of the party experiences jealousy in some form - except Thor who supports her and feels nothing but pride and happiness for his good friend.)

 

Thor thinks that this support might win him her favour in his question to acquire more humans. He promises the group that he would take the utmost care of any vetted Midgardians.

 

Sif, who has not forgotten their previous adventures on Earth, quietly attempts to place a small bet that the Midgardian Thor desires to add to their party is one Jane Foster. Hela inquires as to her identity. Loki informs her that she would be better off not being aware but, unfortunately for him, this conversation has grown a little too much and has attracted the attention of Odin's firstborn son. Who promptly begins to wax poetry about the wondrous woman that is Jane - whom, for those wondering, he insists that he is entirely 'over' and treasures only in passing - over several hours. He speaks of her curiosity, of her kindness, of her care for her team, of her intelligence and Nobel Prizes...

 

This is how Thor ends up riding on the roof once again. Valkyrie, once their king is out of earshot, informs the group that she would shove Jane's nobel prize in her ears if she could.

 

Later on, Lady Loki makes an appearance because he has spent too much time as a man and feels the need for a change. His genderfluid tendencies are not questioned by the group - as gender is a petty social construct on Asgard (and should be here, die mad about it) - and when the suggestion is made to venture into shops in search of make-up, it is eagerly accepted. Thor, as much as he physically can, is jealous of Hela and her masterful application of the product known as eyeliner. As is everyone else they encounter - to put it in the words of the shop assistant, "she could kill a man with those wings." This phrase makes Hela smile a little too much. 

 

Sif, the goddess of war, uses the brightest and most vibrant of colours. Partially in spite of the emo twins, partially because she is beautiful and there is no correct way to choose make-up, as long as the wearer is comfortable. In the background of Sif, Loki and Hela are definitively trying their hardest to be more theatrical and brooding than the other.

 

This leads to unfortunate sadness on the part of Thor as his siblings manage to convince him that he, the one who had inherited their father's favour, is the adopted one. For quite some time. Thor, saddened, asks Heimdall who reacts with a sigh, promises his paramours that he shall return soon and swoops in on the car to teach them the truth. It is one of the most dynamic lectures in the entirety of existence, with tales and illusions that are too awesome for words. Heimdall is the true gift here.

 

Additionally, Heimdall informs him that Odin traversed his dreams as well and if at least one of their party could deign to return and check on the well-being of Asgard, that would please him greatly. He would do it himself but he has decided to take some well-deserved holiday time and he has made a deep vow to himself to be deep in relaxation for the next year, at least.

 

Once they are on the road again, Hela periodically adds her own creative, if somewhat cruel, falsehoods to the historical truths that Heimdall had bestowed upon them. All of which Valkyrie, her sense of humour burning inside of her with a feverish intensity, backs up with an entirely earnest facial expression.

"Guess where the Grandmaster got the orgy ship idea from? Your dad, Thor."  
"NO!"  
"Yu-huh!"

"Oh yeah, Odin totally invented the strap on."  
"He's your father too, Hela."  
"Shut up, Loki."  
"Oh yeah, the strap on... I'd totally bang your mother."  
"V a l ..."  
"Why are you afraid of the past, Thor?"  
"It's just like Odin all over again,' said Valkyrie, her head shaking with the deepest of mock-sorrow.

 

Loki, adaptable as he is, is torn between being impressed and very much not wanting to hear any of this. Whilst Thor is very much settled in the second camp. Unquestionably. His kingly ears were not built to hear such things. Sif just sighs.

 

She sighs a lot over the road trip.

 

It was a well-known fact that most of the Asgardians in that car would refuse to ask for directions and would rather embrace their (inevitable) death than admit defeat in such a manner. Some for honour - asking Midgardians for help was an act befitting of the lowest, most meagre creature - and some out of sheer denial that they would ever become lost on such a small, harmless planet. The road could claim victory over them.

 

Loki, eventually, does engage in the act but not before he transfigures his form into something less recognisable as himself. So he changes into that of his beloved brother, Thor. In an outfit suitably ridiculous for his - in Loki's view - oafish but lovable nature. 

 

Unfortunately - ludicrously, ridiculously - those people whom he encounters and asks directions from still regard 'Thor''s silly outfit as attractive. As, despite the clothing, the form is still that of Thor.

 

"I am literally wearing an outfit styled for a pink rabbit wearing these rubbery, holey sandals-!"  
"Well, Thorrrr, you could always... not wear it..."  
"...Midgard was a mistake"

 

On return to his friends, Loki declares that he wants to invade Midgard again. And that the car is in need of a left turn. But mostly the necessity of an invasion of Midgard.

 

However, seemingly through miscommunication, the car turns right.

 

"My left or your left?"  
"Both lefts are the same!"  
"So is this right?"  
"Yes." The car is then driven in the aforementioned direction.

 

"Why, for the love of Father, would you turn that way?"  
"You said it was right!"

 

Sif, not for the last time, sighs.

 

Soon after, Sif opens the door on her side and jumps out the moving car. The act becomes an inside joke (or, as Thor cheerfully informs them due to his friendship with a young Spider, a "meme") for the group. As Thor declares that they must stop the car and wait for Sif to return.

 

Loki, ever one to enact popular trends in his own unique fashion, makes an attempt to quit the vehicle. Alas, his horns become entangled in the edges of the door.

 

They keep driving in the car with him stuck in that position and the door hanging open for at least half an hour. Loki will insist that it was longer. He, perhaps for the first time, is probably right.

 

Thor is (he belives) wiser in his choice due to the lack of head wear. Location, unfortunately, is not his forte. The illogical choice lead him to eject himself from the vehicle in the heart of a city. Several pedestrians scream and Thor's moving collides with a fire hydrant which promptly explodes, spewing water out in all directions. Children play in the water. Thor joins them. It is a heartwarming sight.

 

Somewhere, Tony Stark is sighing. As is the Lady Sif.

 

The argument as to including Midgardians on their venture continues with the proposal of one Bruce "Hulk" Banner. Valkyrie, advocate for those in need, and Thor, whose heart is good and large, claim that he does not officially count as a Midgardian because the Hulk is cool. This logic - or perhaps persistence - prevails but Bruce, the gentle, does not want to be there. Not with a single fibre of his being.

 

Hulk loves every second.

 

Bruce wakes up strapped to the roof. As is his manner, he keeps trying to leave them but is too polite to vocalise this want. Thus the group continue to kidnap him, accidentally of course.

 

"I might prefer to get back to my lab.."  
"But you're here now! And having fun!"  
"..sure"  
"Excellent, I'll drive the next part!"

 

The car erupts in a resounding "NO".

 

Both Thor and Bruce are tied to the roof. For the safety of the Hulk and Thor's supposed passengers. Thor is unfazed whilst bruce is rather bemused.

 

"-so Hela said that my father invented the strap-on and this is just clearly not true."  
"Yeah it is, buddy!"  
"No it's not, Val, anyway.."  
"Thor, buddy, I'm not sure I wanna hear the rest of this."  
"Well there's only one way to be sure. So, there was all this nonsense..."

 

Bruce, beginning to grow desperate, tries to call the avengers for help. Clint Barton, the one with exceptionally good aim and the eyes of a bird, is the one who answers the phone. His laugh is heard, loud and unabashed, until Bruce hangs up. Wiping a tear from his eye, he calls across the facility to his close friend.

 

"Hey, Tasha, I think my hearing aids are busted again- you won't believe what I just heard!"

 

Following a brief explanation to the Black Widow, Clint calls back. His goal? To laugh again, twice as hard.

 

One of the emo twins points out to the nervous Bruce that Thor, their godly brother, is a certified Avenger, so Bruce technically already has what he claims to want.

 

Tony Stark, man of Iron and technology whisperer, e-mails Thor a playlist that he never receives. Through a method unbeknown to the Asgardians, it becomes the undisputed source of the music of the car radio. It blasts out classic rock, among others.

 

Bruce jumps out the car at a later point in the aforementioned strap-on conversation. This transforms him into the Hulk. Thor is overjoyed at the prospect of a new listener and begins the entire explanation again with his dear green friend.

 

Valkyrie, preserver of art, films as much as she can for the 'meme' and to show Bruce later. Hulk gives up control of the body in order for puny Banner to deal with Thor and his earnest, puppy-like eyes.

 

Bruce masterfully - and with more knowledge of American geography than any of them - steers the travellers to Washington DC. His plan is to convince Steve, the infallible Captain America, to swap places with him. Thor, ever the welcoming host, assures them both that there remains room for all of them. There are constantly people are on the roof, now, and some hanging onto the back of the car by their (enhanced) fingertips.

 

Steve, the gentleman, offers to drive. He does not inform them that he has no license. No one could have known this would end worse than Thor's stint with the steering wheel. 

 

Sharon Carter, the beautiful and thoroughly underrated SHIELD agent, is following the group in a black, air-conditioned SUV. Due to her skill set, calm demeanour and dedication to her job, it is safe to say that she is not being paid enough for this mission. She is extremely concerned for Steve's well-being.

 

In contrast, Thor is elated by Steve's driving. Hela is on the verge of murder.

 

Sif, quite understandably, takes her leave of the 'idiot-mobile' and joins Sharon for a far more relaxed continuation.

 

Or so they thought. Despite Sharon's best efforts to misdirect, dispel and otherwise get rid of any law enforcement chasing after the antics of the travelling Asgardians and humans they had picked up along the way, there were only so many times Steve can break the speed limit before someone is pulled over for questioning, breathalysing and/or fines.

 

Or at least, that was the goal of the law enforcement that night. Thor, trying his best to defuse the situation, almost declares war on Midgard through his skill in rhetoric and the number of times he declared that there were no limits to velocity in his realm. Loki, who has stolen Steve's communication device and uses it for videos when he needs a more foolproof method of ignoring those in his vicinity, successfully enacts a 'these are not the droids you are looking for' motion and sends the officers on their way.

 

But when they park for the night, their position was illegal and the wheel of the car was locked. Ever the solution-finder, Thor picks up the car into the air and carries it for a few miles. Then Loki, sensing a better idea, invites them all into the car. Through sheer force and willpower, the Asgardians plunge their feet through the metal and run the car along the next few roads. It is an excellent display of teamwork.

 

(Sharon and Sif rescue Bruce from the madness.)

 

Somehow, the vehicle - or more, frames of metal loosely held together, still ends up pulled over. For speeding.

 

Steve Rogers is rarely seen not smiling. Bruce considers himself eternally in the debt of wise Sif and multi-talented Sharon. Until Sharon breaks the news of her mission to the tired scientist.

 

"You do realise we have to stay with them, right?"  
"Well... I guess I do now."

 

A few animals that seem misshapen and unwell are chosen to join the idiot-mobile. Some do not stay long but the Asgardians grow attached to others and this prolongs the length of their journey. A crocodile. A bear cub. Snakes, cats, dogs, one ludicrously friendly hippo. Whenever the road leads the group into the countryside, Thor refuses to defend himself against painful creatures. He continues to insist that there is space for everyone. At one point, he says this phrase while Loki is actively inside one of their mouths, being somewhat eaten. Only somewhat.

 

This is origin story of the crocodile.

 

Thor names it Loki.

 

"It's friendly nibbling."  
"NO, it is NOT!"  
"I mean, you do friendly stabbing."  
"..point taken."

 

From this point onward, they refer to Loki as 'Other Loki'.

 

Hela loves it until they acquire a long, encircling snake and enact the same behaviour with temporary 'Hela'. Other Loki keeps trying to abandon Loki.

 

"If anything, I should be the snake-"  
"Shut up, Other Loki."

 

It results in a very confused Spider-Man capturing a crocodile in the middle of NYC before Thor appears, picks it up, claims it as theirs, and thanks Peter for watching over it.

 

"Well, I guess you're not Killer Croc.."  
"Nah, he's Loki," explains sage Valkyrie, walking past with a beer.

 

Other Loki feels unloved, sitting with folded arms in the back of the car. He tries spitefully adopting a worm and calling it Thor.

 

But Thor, the caring, is simply touched by this gesture. Perhaps even sheds a tear or five.

 

Hela steps on it - no one can tell if it was an accident or not. This murder comes immediately after Thor promises to protect Mini-Thor with his life. Loki attempted to cajole the others into speaking the phrase "other Thor" in regards to his brother but none oblige him.

 

Other Loki presents Thor with another worm but Thor claims it is not the same and names this creature Loki, as well.

 

Other Loki, the Jotun, is now that Other Other Loki.

 

"Or OOL, for short," chips in Valkyrie before she makes an off-hand comment about how she, in all her years prancing about this sapphic universe, has never had anything named after her. This promptly begins another meme of pointing out random things they pass through the window and stating "that's you!"

 

Loki kneeling, eye to eye with Other Loki, the worm, pointing threateningly at him. "You are on thin fucking ice."

 

Thor, with a grin as wide as the sun as he points at Loki's helmet: "Hela, it's you!"  
"Thor, I wore a helmet like that first!"

 

Speaking of the naming of things, the car in which they reside is called Bruce after Bruce's supposed kidnapping. The man in question and inspiration learns of this abruptly as Thor shouts: "QUICK, EVERYONE GET INTO BRUCE!" The results are as amusing as one would expect.

 

There is also a deeply tragic, incredibly melodramatic, funeral for Mini-Thor wherein Thor deftly persuades (or, more accurately, guilt-trips) both Hela and Loki into giving eulogies.

 

"He is the one being I am sorry for ending the life of."  
An indistinct and difficult to make onomatopoeic crocodile noise is heard.  
"This is ridiculous!"  
"Quiet, Other Other Loki, Loki's trying to express himself! Any words for us, in this trying time, Other Loki?"

 

There is no audible response as Other Loki is, in fact, still a worm. Thor, wiping a tear from, his eye declares that it is touching.

 

Later on, Loki eats Other Loki. There is no proof that Other Other Loki had anything to do with this but the group has their suspicions. After it happens, there is some panic because Thor does not yet know (and they are adamant about not wanting to stop for yet another funeral).

 

The solution seems obvious thus they quickly grab another worm. Somehow, in his infinite wisdom, Thor is aware. He places the blame for eating him upon Other Other Loki, rather than Loki. The group, urged on by the morals of Captain America, admit to the falsehood and Valkyrie convinces OOL to transform into another worm.

 

In order to make an "oh, worm?" joke which none of the travellers understand. Sif laughs anyway. From the SUV.

 

Now the creature count consists of at least two worms and a crocodile, all inside Bruce with the Asgardians and Steve. They cross a state border and have to declare the inside content and the officers, who are also not paid enough for their work, wave them past. Other Other Loki is secretly happy that he is moving up the rungs of Lokis. Or as happy as a worm can be, anyway.

 

Soon he will be back to Loki-Prime, that is his new goal, his new burning purpose. However, he is not told but Thor's reasoning is that simply because they are dead does not mean that their existence was meaningless and not worthy of remembrance. Thus, Other Other Loki (OOL) was now permanent in its naming properties.

 

Steve, deemed responsible, is delegated to be in charge of the worms. He proudly keeps them all safe, balanced on his shield on his lap. Occasionally pets them to show that he cares. Other Other Loki is not pleased.

 

Thor, seeing a helper, tries to enlist Steve to babysit Loki, too. But Bucky overrules this, much to Steve's disappointment. Bucky has been secretly under the SUV most of the time, much to Sharon's concern, but surfaces at opportune moments and then disappears again, either to walk this lonely road alone or to abandon the idiot-mobile for the sanctuary of Agent 13's underbelly. 

 

Steve, nostalgic as always, makes a joke about Bucky stealing the wheel. The Asgardians, already wary of Thor-like people driving, just vehemently shoot down this idea.

 

Sif and Sharon sigh again and Bucky asks for permission to enter the sensible SUV. Sharon approves this request. They get on well due to similar interests (keeping Steve safe) and a shared dry sense of humour.

 

Steve, the valiant, tries to teach Thor to drive when the others are exploring elsewhere in search of supplies. This ends with car number three (Bruce) being destroyed. Ever the traditionalist, they hold a funeral for Bruce and set him on fire.

 

Sharon's scream is swallowed by the bang of the huge explosion and the uncanny sound of a dozen names being added to a terrorist watch list. Loki is a worm, Hela is smiling evilly at the flames and Steve becomes a double terrorist.

 

Which Thor is convinced means that the two bouts of terrorism have cancelled each other out. Valkyrie agrees with and encourages him because she loves to cause trouble as much as the rest of them.

 

"Trust me, heimdall commits treason every few days. It's fine."  
Heimdall appears in the sky to endorse this and then returns to his holiday island. He does not want to know the details.

 

Sif has to bodily restrain Thor from setting off more explosions in an attempt "to un-terrorist" himself. He also steals Other Other Loki's helmet to give to Loki, who seems appeased if the display of a row of teeth is anything to judge by.

 

The rational members of the group eventually convince Thor with the logic that, if another explosion should occur, Steve will become a triple terrorist and that makes him bad once again.

 

"Well, I can't argue with that logic."

 

Steve asks one of the worms if they can transform into another car. He is ignored.

Sif sighs.

 

Sharon begrudgingly allows them to ride in the SUV until they reach the next town to buy another car. This was, undoubtedly, a mistake. At this point they are being followed by several military helicopters as well as various conveniently-placed cars in an unconvincing display of traffic.

 

They hold a funeral for the SUV.

 

Thor once again can not be dissuaded from cremation.

 

Sharon, thinking they have nothing more left to lose at this point, says she will fly a helicopter if they can bring one down. Unfortunately, her choice of phrasing is affected by her fatigue and she is not clear enough with her words. Valkyrie and Sif exchanging tender kisses tends to distract people enough to do that.

 

Thor, not at all distracted, lobs Loki at the helicopter with a mighty cry of "GET HELP!"

"YEET!" encourages Steve.  
"Steve... How-?" asks a perplexed Sharon. Peter has definitely taught him yeet. Steve does not answer. 

 

Earthly crocodiles were not meant for flight. Thor is temporarily devastated.

 

Other Other Loki, in a moment of triumph, transforms back into his typical form and declares himself Loki-Prime.

 

Thor, grief-stricken, hurls Loki-Prime at the helicopter. This attempt is more successful.

 

Steve, despite Loki's tentative attempt to land the aircraft, asks to be the next one thrown into the jaws of the helicopter.

 

"STEVE NO!" cry Bucky and Sharon in chorus, trying to stop this foolishness. They are too late.

 

Thor thinks it is a brilliant idea. As does Hela - but for vastly different reasons.

 

Hela also has marshmallows on knives over the fire of the SUV. It is a tender moment. She enjoys the sweet taste of the strange nourishment.

 

Steve interrupts Loki, learning to fly the helicopter, and the pair transfer the transport to the ground. It is not in a state of being able to fly. Those people who had previously been flying it land gently on the ground thanks to their in parachutes, still terrified given the crocodile, then the Prince of Asgard and then Captain America.

 

Loki-Prime asks Hela if this counts as an invasion. Hela replies that invasions need at least twice the number of crocodiles.

 

Hulk, hearing this, launches himself at the next helicopter and disappears. He later comes back with a handful of crocodile teeth which he presents to the emo twins. Thor tells Loki it will be something to remember the first, true Loki with.

 

Loki contemplates fratricide. Valkyrie offers him a drink. But drinks it herself before his hands touch the glass bottle.

Sif sighs.

 

Loki returns to worm form to escape this insanity and blatant favouritism.

 

Steve balances him on the shield, trying to amuse Bucky. However, Bucky is not impressed - but Thor is definitely impressed. Hela offers Loki's helmet, redacts her offer and then balances Loki's helmet on hers.

 

Tony turns up and just gives them a fucking car - and jokingly offers a bus because he had not expected there to be this many of them. In the middle of the desert. With a smouldering SUV. 

 

"Don't wreck this one-"

 

It explodes before he even finishes the sentence.

 

Thor takes the blame, claims it is the fault of his new lightning powers and he is Deeply Sorry, Friend Stark.

 

Unaffected, Steve adds his shield to the balancing act, putting Loki on Bruce's shoulder

 

Tony looks at the wreckage of two cars, a helicopter, and flaming chunks of crocodile. Feeling introspective and as if all things that turn sour in the universe are solely his fault, he wonders when he became the sensible one.

 

"When Clint laughed me off the phone as I tried to call for help," supplies Bruce helpfully.  
"Help with what, Banner?" asks Thor who, despite all the death, seems to still be enjoying himself and the almost jarring feeling between moments of absurd comedy and darker themes and subtext.

 

Bruce gestures at fire. Thor regards the scene, as if seeing it all for the first time, and is silent. Contemplative. He gazes up into the sky, as if asking his father for divine wisdom, then his eyelids flutter shut. He draws in a deep breath and then begins to laugh. Then he takes Loki in his palm. "It could be worse."

 

Despite being a worm, the expression on Loki's face is unmistakable.

 

He transforms back from a worm and stabs Thor.

 

For the Greater Good. Hela laughs, Sif half-heartedly stands in a battle stance and the humans look between themselves, expressions doused with confused concern. Valkyrie is drinking; that is the only real Greater Good and she, enlightened as she is, knows it.

 

"Maybe the real road trip was the friends we made along the way," Thor says, while bleeding profusely.

 

Laughs all round. Then Hela stabs him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Well. That happened. It is now past 1am. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night <3


End file.
